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Grief and Nature

  Over the last couple of years nature has become my safest place and I spend most of my free time watching and photographing birds with my wife. We’re a well-oiled machine these days; she carries the scope, I take the camera, and we both have binoculars around our necks and sometimes our little dog is attached to her waist. We spend hours walking and standing still, talking about what we’ve seen and staying silent. We make lists, try to learn bird calls, sometimes we can recognise a bird straight away and sometimes it takes some time, we meet new people, learn things and share sightings, we love it. Our bird list is modest compared to other birders but the thrill is in the doing it, in being there. I have depression and it isn’t something I’m often able to forget about. The first bird hide we sat in gave me an instant feeling of calm and I found it more mindful than meditation. It took no effort to sit back and enjoy what was happening in front of us because the view from the ...
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I Think I Love Winter

I always hated winter. I hated the cold, the loneliness, the expectation of having to have the perfect Christmas with the perfect people, the dark, the rain, the sludge and the snow. I’ve never been diagnosed with SAD but my depression definitely kicked in harder than usual during winter. Winter was a time to go to work, get home and go straight to bed. Ignore all phone calls and messages, sleep as much as possible, eat every now and again, and wait for it to be over. It was a time for auto-pilot hibernation. A way to be alive without living at all. This feeling isn’t exclusive to winter but every single year I would fail to find anything to motivate me from November until as late as April.  Winter is like a gift for birders. We can see into the trees, like an x-ray, unobstructed by leaves and green. We see bullfinches that usually find safety in denseness as they begrudgingly travel short distances looking for food. We see redwing and fieldfare. We see birds that have trav...

Becoming a Birder by Accident

Birding has taught me to hold my tongue. As soon as I started visiting hides I had two aims: see some birds and don’t piss anybody off. I closed doors quietly behind me, whispered sorry when I dropped things like a coffee cup, book, bag, binoculars or camera which have all happened because sometimes, when you’re trying to be as quiet and considerate as possible, the exact opposite happens. With any hobby or interest or community comes snobbery. I have been to hundreds of gigs since my early teens and in every queue I’ve been in I have heard strangers trying to outdo each other with where they’ve been and who they’ve seen. This is something that I try to avoid with birding as much as possible. I couldn’t care less if you travelled to space and saw a celestial warbler if you’re telling me to brag. I recently had someone ask me what make my binoculars are (I don’t know) so he could tell me the make and model and cost of his (I didn’t care). It seems to be very easy for people to l...